


Thoughts That Plague Me Tonight

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Confusion, Gender Confusion, Genderfluid Character, Introspection, M/M, Sexual Confusion, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 17:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11879544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Josh didn't know what Josh was.He? They? She?Usually it didn't matter, but right now it was an overwhelming force of confusion.





	Thoughts That Plague Me Tonight

Josh laid in bed, face down with pillows shoved to the floor. They silently screamed into the sheet, hitting the mattress with force.

There was so much inside them, raging around, tearing up everything they knew.

Why now? Why was it so bad tonight?

“What am I?” He had mouthed, too scared to ask the question aloud. To scared for anyone in the house to hear. “What?

Maybe Josh was doing it for attention? Maybe. God. He didn't know? He didn't think he was doing it for attention. Could it even be for attention if only three people in his life knew? But he couldn't think. He didn't know.

Josh pulled at her hair, so confused at the feeling inside him, the unraveling of his mind in early hours of the morning.

She literally pounded at the mattress, letting the energy flow from her. Hoping it would ease the overwhelming presence of… everything.

She shouldn't be feeling this. Not right now. She had too much the next day to stay up this late tearing herself apart. She hadn't slept a proper sleep in so long. She was so tired and all her mind could do was lie there in confusion and a hurricane of emotion and thought.

She needed an answer. Would take it from anyone. But who could she even talk to?

Normally she didn't question it. Sometimes Tyler would ask, “pronouns?” And all she could do was shrug. No idea about what they were.

And he didn't want to disrupt Tyler. It was too late. And he didn't want to stress Tyler out. He didn't deserve that.

But Josh needed some form of outlet before they self imploded.

Why was it so bad tonight?

Non binary? That worked sometimes. The safety of _they_. It was nice. It fit like a well worn coat, even if it was new to them.

They related to it, believed in it. Felt a comfort and normality to hear Tyler call them that. And then half an hour later would overhear someone say it. Say “how's Josh doing. They okay?”

And it didn't fit. They? Why would someone call Josh they, Josh wasn't they? Was he.it.she.?

He didn't know. She didn't know. They didn't know.

He should relate to male right? He was born like that, that should be who he is. But that was wrong. When Madison said that she was now a girl, that that's who she was. He accepted that. That was right. Madison was a girl, didn't matter what she was born with.

But then Josh, when he thought to himself, _she_ sometimes fit. She would show itself in the way she saw herself.

She would talk to someone, so enraptured in the conversation. And then someone would drop a male pronoun and she didn't realise. She didn't realise she was a she.

How could someone not know their gender? Their identity?

Why was Josh so confused.

Even now as he/they/she, who cares, really who cares? Why was Josh so obsessed with this. So overwhelmed.

No one cared. Josh wouldn't care in the morning probably.

Yet there Josh was, face down on the sheets with a tornado in their chest.

It was so much. So much.

Josh wasn't stable. Couldn't stop. Head spinning. So confused.

Could someone just stop Josh. Grab Josh's hand and say, “hey guess what, you're a boy/girl/nonbinary.” And answer Josh's questions.

Because sure, Josh identified as a guy for the beginning of his whole life. And then. Then Josh wasn't a guy.

Josh woke up and thought, “oh, I'm a girl.”

And had been so scared. So terrified for the day. Had gotten ready for school and felt uncomfortable as Josh looked the flat chest in the mirror. At the too stiff thighs and lack of curves.

Josh had thought, “am I trans?” Why is this happening?

Had been so scared to tell her parents at the time. Had gone to bed, hidden under covers at the new feeling.

And then Josh woke up the next day, and felt “ _normal_ ”.

(Josh hated that word. But also wished for it so much)

Josh thought maybe it was a one off.

Josh was wrong, it happened more and more. And when Josh went to search for some kind of title online, went deeper into the information of what Josh could possibly be. Everything seemed to drown him.

Too much information. Too much possibility.

Josh had closed the browser and repressed. Repressed. Repressed.

Sexuality was fine. Had even told classmates, even the judgmental ones that Josh had the potential to love anyone, regardless of gender.

And then came the sexuality exploring. The doubts of whether Josh even liked… that. Sex. Making out. Anything.

Ace didn't seem right. Because sure, Josh saw people and thought they were attractive, but never wanted to do anything with them. Which would fit the category. But then Josh would talk to someone and a month later would feel a desire for them.

So demisexual? That seemed to fit the most, but even after developing an attraction to someone, it still felt off. Josh would try to avoid actively doing anything sexual with the person, even if Josh _wanted to._

And Josh was with Tyler, was attracted to him, but Josh didn't seem to work like everyone else.

And it was so confusing.

Still not as complicated as Josh's gender. Which sometimes would stay stable. Sometimes would change in the flick of a switch.

Usually Josh was fine with it, just taking it in stroll. Even if Josh was wearing masculine clothes as he changed, she still related to her gender. Clothing didn't define her. Her name didn't change. She was still Josh, regardless of what they felt.

But then sometimes it _would be so much_.

Josh just wanted it to be stable, to have a pattern or a reason so Josh could logically work it out. Rationalise the reason for Josh's feelings so Josh could calm themselves from a panic attack.

And sometimes Josh couldn't even identify it. That's why they stuck with ' _they'_ so much, the only thing closest to what Josh felt like. Even if ' _they'_ still wasn't right.

 _They_ was still better than _she_ and _him_ when Josh couldn't even tell what they were.

Josh just wanted, or needed, needed really. Josh needed someone to tell them what was going on. To validate that this wasn't all just Josh fucking up.

Josh had heard one too many times, in Christian classrooms or in forums, that Non-Binary, or genderfluid weren't valid. That “there were only two genders.” That “they were just confused.”

(And yes, maybe Josh was confused but that didn't erase their validity)

Which was bullshit, Josh would fight (verbally) any of them to stand up for everyone around them.

But as soon as it came to Josh themselves, they just got… confused.

That's what it all came down to. Josh was so so confused. They didn't know. They didn't know. They couldn't answer their own questions. What kind of person couldn't even tell who they were. Something as simple or as obvious as gender.

Josh didn't know who they were. Josh didn't.

Josh needed someone to give Josh the answers. Because all Josh could relate to anymore was just ‘ _Josh_ ’.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll delete this in the morning. I just need, idk. Maybe someone will relate. Maybe someone will miraculously have the answers. Idk


End file.
